


you look happier

by howelnlester (expectopatronuz)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 02:02:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12355155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectopatronuz/pseuds/howelnlester
Summary: He really never expected Phil to save him. No, Dan knew that his emptiness was rooted somewhere deep, somewhere that being loved couldn’t reach.But maybe he thought it was the right place to start. He thought that being not lonely would make him a little more willing to – well – more willing to do something.But he wakes up every morning before the sun rises and stares at the ceiling until he feels Phil start to stir beside him, then he rolls over and pretends to still be asleep. He lets Phil get up and eat his cereal and get work done like a normal human, and then, well into the afternoon, Dan tries to convince himself to move, and Phil eventually comes and stands in the doorway smiling fondly but Dan can just feel the worry, feel the concern and he can feel Phil knowing that something isn’t right.or, Dan has depression and progress is hard.





	you look happier

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a long time ago because I was in a relationship and I thought that it was going to fix me but it didn't. I think I saw a lot of myself in Dan at the time but never posted it because it felt like I was implying something and I knew I would hate it if it were me, but with that recent video now I feel like I need to share this story.  
> I don't want to imply anything or say that these events in any way transpired... This is my story with different names and jobs!

                Dan is lying on his side, knees curled up to his chest and he watches Phil’s chest rise and fall in his sleep. He hasn’t slept all night – at least he doesn’t think he has. He’s been staring up at the ceiling hoping that the encompassing exhaustion he feels will finally pull him under, if only for an hour. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s slept more than three hours at a time, he doesn’t know if he ever has. His back is sore, his shoulders and his neck ache and he doesn’t know if it’s just because he’s spent so long in bed or if there’s something physically wrong with him. He was trying to empty his mind for hours until he finally realized that he wasn’t even thinking of anything, except for how much he wished he was asleep.

                Dan sighs and reaches out slowly, gently, to brush a finger down Phil’s arm, and wonders if Phil is dreaming.

He really never expected Phil to save him. No, Dan knew that his emptiness was rooted somewhere deep, somewhere that being loved couldn’t reach.

                But maybe he thought it was the right place to start. He thought that being not lonely would make him a little more willing to – well – more willing to do _something_.

                But he wakes up every morning before the sun rises and stares at the ceiling until he feels Phil start to stir beside him, then he rolls over and pretends to still be asleep. He lets Phil get up and eat his cereal and get work done like a normal human, and then, well into the afternoon, Dan tries to convince himself to move, and Phil eventually comes and stands in the doorway smiling fondly but Dan can just _feel_ the worry, feel the concern and he can feel Phil knowing that something isn’t right.

                It isn’t even all that different from when Dan was still living with his parents.

                The days really don’t feel different from one another. Dan thinks that a couple of days ago Phil tried to coax him into a liveshow appearance, and Dan’s sure that yesterday Phil tried to talk him into unpacking a couple of boxes in the kitchen with him. But tomorrow Dan knows that he’ll forget which was which. Things don’t get done and London was supposed to help him, he thinks. Moving away from Manchester was supposed to give him a new energy but here he is, curled up at Phil’s side, awake all night hoping that he will just be able to sleep for once.

                Dan turns his head gingerly to check the clock – it’s only 6 in the morning and Phil won’t be up until at least 10. His eyes start to itch and it takes him a moment to realize that he’s tearing up. And that makes his gasp a sob – he doesn’t remember that last time he’s cried or slept or been excited for something or even sad. He chokes back another sob and reaches out more rashly to shake Phil’s arm.

                Phil jolts awake to Dan’s sobs, twisting and sitting in one quick jerk.

                “Dan?” He pulls Dan by the shoulders to curl into his chest and Dan can hear his heart beating. “Okay, it’s okay, I’m here.”

                Dan can feel Phil start to shake, he knows Phil is afraid and he doesn’t know what to do to help, he’s afraid too. “Phil,” he breathes out, it sounds more like a whimper.

                “I’m here,” Phil repeats, but his voice is weak and Dan always knew that Phil couldn’t save him but he realizes that maybe Phil thought he was supposed to.

                “I think I need help,” Dan feels Phil nod into the top of his head and when he exhales it seems wobbly. “Real help, like a – I don’t know, a –” Dan cuts himself off because he can’t say it right now, he’s crying into Phil’s shirt and all he wants is to be asleep.

                “I know, I’m here, we’ll find someone,” Phil sniffs and Dan hides his face in Phil’s chest. “It’s okay, Dan.”

                Dan nods and presses his face into Phil and wishes that he could just wake up.

 

                After Dan calms down, Phil murmurs into his head something about breakfast and leaves the room. Dan clutches the bright blankets and waits, and Phil comes back with a tall glass of water for Dan and his laptop.

                “We’re going to find you someone that can help you,” Phil says bluntly. He slips an arm behind Dan and helps him sit, hands him the water. Dan sips and notices that Phil’s eyes are puffy, wonders how long he’s been gone.

                They sit for hours, googling variations of “London psychiatrists” over and over and Phil makes call after call, and finally they find someone that will see Dan without a referral. Phil speaks to the doctor and avoids Dan’s glace when he says “it’s urgent.” Dan is leaning on Phil’s shoulder and he hears the doctor ask to speak to him, and he flinches away but Phil looks at him like he’s kicked a puppy so he looks away and reaches for the phone.

                It’s pretty mild, the doctor asks Dan how long he’s felt this way and if he has ever hurt himself or has wanted to hurt himself, and finally arranges an appointment for the next day.

                Phil takes the phone back and confirms the appointment time and place, and when he hangs up Dan deflates into him. “This is good, yeah?” He asked cautiously and Dan nods, but feels the emptiness louder than ever.

 

                Dan wakes up before the sun rises and waits for Phil’s alarm to go off. When it finally does, Phil groggily drags himself out of bed and in a minute Dan hears the shower running.

                Dan wonders when he last showered and brings a hand up to his hair – it feels caked together. He rips his hand away in disgust and jumps out of bed like it’s burned him. His knees crack and his back aches, but he makes his way to the bathroom anyways, knocks and enters without waiting for an answer.

                Phil turns to him, mildly surprised and still half asleep. Dan feels himself starting to turn red, and lifts his hand to hover over his hair. “I don’t – I really need to wash my hair but I –”

                “Come here,” Phil interrupts gently, and Dan underdresses slowly and steps carefully into the shower. Phil helps him shampoo his hair and Dan leans into the touch, wants so badly to want the showers they used to have together, the heat and the interest and the messy blow jobs and sore knees but the emptiness took that too. When Phil’s done and Dan turns around he knows that Phil is thinking the same thing – that Phil was never going to save him and Phil himself didn’t make anything worse but sometime in the past few years Dan’s emptiness had slipped out of any control.

                Dan gets out of the shower first, wraps himself in a towel and sits on the counter until Phil is done. They brush their teeth next to each other and make silent eye contact in the mirror, then Phil guides Dan with a hand on his lower back into their bedroom. Dan refuses to look at the bed and pulls on a pair of sweats and one of Phil’s hoodies. Phil smiles sweetly and says nothing – Dan wonders how he hasn’t torn the brightness out of him.

                Phil calls the taxi and they hold hands in the backseat – today is not a day to worry about their fans and the rumors and the secret. The taxi takes them to an underwhelming office in a strip mall, right between a smoothie place and a men’s formalwear store. Phil gives Dan’s name to the receptionist and she gives Phil a clipboard. Phil brings it back to Dan but fills out most of it himself, only asking for his health number. After Phil brings it back to the receptionist and sits back down, he looks to Dan softly, but with an air of responsibility that rarely appears.

                “Dan, I don’t know if they’ll let me come in with you, but I can try if you’d like me to.”

                Dan shrugs and hums – he hadn’t really thought about it. Just assumed he’d be alone.

                “I won’t mind either way,” Phil lays a gentle hand on Dan’s knee and smiles cautiously, and Dan nods.

                “I’m okay.”

                Phil nods and they fall into silence. Dan reaches to intertwine his fingers with Phil’s, and he’s not looking but he can feel Phil smile.

 

                Dan is led to a room with a desk and a computer to the right and a small sitting area to the left – there is a tan plush couch facing two matching arm chairs, and a small woman rises from the desk.

                “Hello – Daniel, right?”

                Dan nods, and she extends a hand for him to shake. “I’m Caroline.” He shakes her hand and she gestures to the sitting area. “Sit wherever you’d like.”

                He curls into the corner of the sofa as she fumbles around with papers on her desk, finally settling into one of the armchairs with a notebook and a slim file folder.

                “I don’t have to take notes,” she says, noticing his gaze, “I usually do so that I can keep track of progress between appointments. But if you’re uncomfortable, I can refrain.”

                “No, that’s okay,” Dan waves his hand and he realizes it looks like he’s brushing her off. He flinches a little, but she smiled at him.

                “I have an idea of why you’re coming in today, but would you like to explain in more depth how you’ve been feeling?”

                Dan presses his lips together and nods, but can’t think of anything to say.

                “You can take a few minutes if you need,” she adds, and he nods again.

                “Well,” he starts after a moment, “I guess I’m just really tired all the time? I mean its not just that I’m tired all the time, but that’s all I’ve really been bothered by if it makes any sense?” Dan watches as she writes something down and then looks up and nods, and he doesn’t feel like she’s making him continue but suddenly he wants to.

                “Like I can’t sleep and if I do I wake up really early and can’t fall back asleep, but I can’t get out of bed either.” Dan pauses as he searches his brain for more to add, but is coming up blank.

                “That sounds really difficult. Are you a student? Do you have a job?”

                “Um,” he considers lying to make the conversation simpler for a moment, but figures that it would be counter productive. “I’m a Youtuber, I post videos about my life and funny stories and stuff,” he finishes his sentence like a question, but Caroline nods.

                “It must be hard to find success online.”

                Dan nods. “Well Phil was already doing pretty well so I had it easier than some I guess.”

                “And Phil is the man I spoke to on the phone?” She rests her pen down and looks at Dan carefully.

                “Yeah, we live together,” Dan isn’t purposely avoiding the question, but he suddenly finds it a hard question to answer.

                “What is the nature of your relationship?” She doesn’t sound judgemental or accusing, and Dan settles a little more.

                “He’s my boyfriend, I guess.”

                “You guess?” She smiles gently, watches him curiously.

                “I mean – yes he is my boyfriend. It feels like he’s a lot more though.”

                She nods and picks up her pen, writes a short note. “So would you say that Phil is your primary support system?”

                “Yeah,” Dan nods, and she turns back down to the page.

                “Is your family in the picture?”

                Dan nods again, then shrugs. “Well, they live in Reading and I live here, so I don’t see them much.”

                “But do you get along?”

                “Yeah. They don’t really get the internet thing so they aren’t that involved but – you know,” Dan trails off and Caroline makes eye contact.

                “What do I know?”

                “Uh,” Dan shifts under her gaze, and swallows hard. “They care about me and they support me but they really don’t get me.”

                “And what makes you say that?”

                “They can’t even figure out an iPhone, and my entire life is online.”

                She nods, writes some more. “Does that bother you?”

                “Not really,” he shrugs with a blank stare – it hasn’t bothered him in a very long time.

                “Why not?”

                “I have people who do get it – friends that do it too and obviously Phil – my family cares and that’s enough.”

                “Do they know about you and Phil?”

                “Yeah,” Dan smiles slightly, “My mum was super worried at first because I met him online and everything but once she knew he wasn’t going to murder me she was cool.”

                Caroline smiles. “You said you post videos about your life, does that include Phil?”

                “Sort of. They know we’re best friends.”

                “But not that you’re together?”

                “No, we don’t owe anything to them and I don’t want my relationship to be fetishized even more than it already is.” He takes a breath, and regrets the defensiveness immediately.

                “More than it already is?” she askes, and Dan sighs before explaining the shippers and the pressure and how hard it is to make videos alone but how hard it is to do it with Phil, and before he knows it she’s stopping him.

                “I’m sorry, Dan, but we only have a few more minutes,” she says, and flips the page. “How do you feel about trying medication?”

                Dan shrugs, and she nods. “Medication isn’t for everyone, I think in your case it could really improve your quality of life. Of course we could wait and talk about it again next week, if you’d like.”

                “No, I’ll try,” Dan mumbles and she nods.

                “We’re going to start with a low dose of Fluoxetine, your pharmacist will be able to explain the dosage. I’m also going to give you a task to aim for – a sort of homework I suppose.”

                Dan nods blankly – he doesn’t dread working to get better like he thought he would. He really just wants to be in bed.

                “We’re going to make a list of three tasks for the day. This week I want you to get just one done every day. I usually start my patients off with getting up to have breakfast before 10, going for a walk, and taking a shower. If you have something you’d prefer on the list, we can change it.”

                “No, that works,” he says but he thinks of how hard it was to get up in the morning.

                She nods. “Excellent,” she hands him a prescription and a list of the three things, then leads him to the door. “Is Phil here with you?” Dan nods. “Would you be okay with me explaining part of the medication to Phil briefly?”

                Dan nods again and she leads him back to the waiting room where Phil is sitting on his phone. He jumps up when he sees them, and smiles tentatively as they approach.

                “You must be Phil,” she reaches out a hand and he shakes it, smiling. “I’m Caroline.”

                “It’s nice to meet you,” he responds, and Dan briefly recognizes his terrible manners from earlier.

                “So I’ve prescribed a medication, and I wanted to warn you that there is a high risk of suicidal intentions in some patients in the first few weeks of taking the medication. The risk will subside, but it does require caution.”

                Phil’s eyes widen and Dan shifts to his side, brushing their hands together. Phil reaches out to hold Dan’s wrist and he leans in to the touch, feeling drained and overwhelmed and so empty, so futile and like nothing is ever going to be better.

 

                Phil comes home with Dan’s prescription and a pizza and sits with Dan in bed, reading over the directions for use and the side effects. He sighs as Dan shrugs after another warning about suicidal intentions, and looks down to take a shaky breath.

                “Do you – Dan – ” Phil bites his lip and Dan could help him but he needs to hear Phil say it. “Do you want to – you know –” Phil pauses but Dan just stares blankly. “Do you want to kill yourself?”

                Dan shifts under Phil’s nervous gaze, wonders if he should answer. Wonders what his answer even is, wonders why he’d want to die, but wonders why he’d want to keep living.

                “I don’t know,” Dan looks Phil right in the eye, and Phil doesn’t gasp or run. Phil nods.

                “I – I honestly really don’t know how to keep you safe.”

                “Me neither,” Dan reaches out to slide his hand into Phil’s, just wants Phil to understand something that Dan doesn’t understand himself.

                Phil smiles softly and squeezes. “I want you to promise that you’ll tell me if you start to want to.”

                Dan opens his mouth, unsure of his answer, but Phil stops him. “I know that you won’t want to tell me, and I know that this won’t guarantee anything, I just need you to tell me right now that if you feel like – if you – you know, you’ll tell me.”

                Dan looks down at their hands, and nods.

 

                It’s the middle of the fifth morning when Dan starts to feel it.

                He managed to fall asleep before midnight and woke up with the sun, and he got up with Phil to eat breakfast and then he went and sat on the couch and he thought “I could kill myself tonight.”

                His breath catches in his throat with the thought, and his hands start to shake. His mind races with ideas and plans but Phil walks into the room, smiles at Dan, and he blurts “I just wanted to kill myself,” and Phil stares stunned for a second, before rushing over to pull Dan into his arms.

                He asks if Dan wants to go to the hospital and Dan says no, he thinks that he’ll be okay but Phil isn’t convinced so he calls Caroline.

                “Those thoughts are always a possibility with a new medication,” she tells them over speakerphone, “We knew to look out for it and Dan said something immediately after having the thoughts, which is a good sign. These are the first thoughts you’ve had, right Dan?”

                “Yeah,” he nods and Phil puts his hand on Dan’s knee.

                “So we will be careful in the next couple of weeks, and I will recommend checking into a hospital for observation, at least for tonight.”

                Dan shakes his head to Phil, who shuts his eyes and turns his head away.

                “We’ll think about it,” Dan says without looking at Phil.

                “I can’t make you do anything, but a hospital is the safest place for you.” Caroline adds before ending the call, reminding Dan that they meet again the next day.

                The silence that falls after the end of the call is heavy, and its minutes before Dan can look at Phil, who is still turned away anyways.

                Dan lifts his free hand to wrap around Phil’s back, resting his chin on Phil’s shoulder. “I don’t want to die. I just – I promised I’d tell you and I did but I’ll be okay,” when Phil doesn’t answer, Dan’s eyes begin to water.

                “Please don’t make me go,” he whispers weakly, and feels Phil’s body shakes with a sob.

                “I’m sorry, Phil,” Dan sniffs, tightens his hold on Phil. “I’m sorry, just please don’t make me go.”

                Phil twists in Dan’s arms so quickly that Dan barely registers the tears, the snot, dripping down Phil’s face. “Don’t ever be sorry for this,” Phil mumbles into Dan’s shoulder, voice thick and shaken. “I’d never make you do anything, never, I – I’m just so scared.”

                He dissolves into horrible sobs, shaking in Dan’s arms and clinging to his neck with a desperation that Dan has never felt from Phil before.

                “I – I can’t – ” Phil is crying too hard to talk and Dan rubs slow circles on his back, tears falling down his face as well.

                “It’s okay,” Dan says, as if he can fix anything, and he can almost make out the beginnings of a laugh within the tears.

                They sit like that for a very long time, Dan calms down after a few minutes but Phil just can’t seem to compose himself, and Dan tries to remember the last time he’s held Phil like this, if ever.

                After Phil finally catches his breath and starts to pull back, Dan stands and leads him by the hand into the shower. They kiss slowly and carefully, and there is no passion to start off with but Dan finds himself trailing his mouth down Phil’s neck and further, and they go back to their room and they fuck gently, slowly, and afterwards they curl around each other and Dan feels so at home, so safe and normal and right and he smiles into Phil’s chest, and drifts into an easy sleep.

                He never finds out, but Phil lies awake all night, fingers resting softly on the pulse point in Dan’s neck. 

               

                 Progress is slow. There is no one moment where Dan is healed, and he knows that there never will be. This will always be a part of his life, but he is getting better, bit by bit. He starts watching TV shows again, and browsing the internet. He goes on shopping trips with Phil, just because. He makes a few videos that he’s kind of proud of. He tells his mum and she isn’t surprised but she holds him in her arms and they cry together for the first time since he was a child. He and Phil get the radio show at BBC and he finds himself actually excited about it. They start a gaming channel and he remembers why he wanted to do YouTube in the first place. He travels. He works. He sees old friends and he makes some new ones. He doesn’t get up every day, but mostly he does and he goes to his therapist and he takes his medications and he manages. He falls in love with Phil again, in a whole new way, and when they all start to notice, Dan doesn’t say anything. Let them notice, let them say he’s happier. Why not? He is.  


End file.
